A lost thought

I like to think of myself as a good mother. I strive very hard to be the mother I always thought I would be. I want to be that Mom who is nurturing, loving, patient, respected, strong, in charge and seen through my kids' eyes as a great Mom.

As most of you know my house is NEVER clean. It is a daily battle that I fight... I am done fighting, my white flag is flying for all to see. I surrender! This is not me saying I give up on cleanliness, this is me saying I am done making my kids clean every time I turn around. What kind of memory is that creating, well not a good one let me tell ya!
Like I said before I thought I was a good Mom, yesterday my kids said otherwise. My kids are 8,6,3 and 1. They are not old enough to hate me yet, but they are young enough to soak these images in their little brains like a sponge and likely to bring them up 20 years from now to tell me how awful I was. I don't want that! I don't want to be that Mom who does nothing but nags!

My beautiful little Spitfire has been drawing me pictures lately and in them they always say, "Mom you are the best mom ever. I love you so so so so so much... you can be a littel rough sometimes, but I love you!" Ugh, knife in the heart, tears in the eye balls, you name it I feet it everytime I read it. Every thought crosses my mind when I read that awful sentence.

What am I doing so wrong that my 6 year old needs to tell me everyday that I am rough? I don't really spank or do time outs (unlessit is truly necessary and even then they are never fased by my hand to the butt swat), so I am not sure what she is really talking about. Maybe my yelling when everyone refuses to listen to me, when I cleaned the whole house and 10 minutes later it looks like I did nothing,when the kids are fighting and I refuse to take sides b/c I didn't see the whole fight or hear the entire argument, when they are being too rough on the dog and I yell she is going to bite you, when I say don't talk to me like that b/c my kids think they are older than what they are? What is it????

When I hear my kids say these things, like I am mean. I get kind of shocked. I am the one person I feel my kids can come to and tell me everything! I always think before I say or do anything. I truly think about what they are telling me and what the correct answer or punishment should be so they will always trust me. I try to be fun and hip, but at the same time their disciplinary. I try to make sure my kids get to see and do everything I think will shape them into the person they are and help make memories along the way. I try and I wish they knew how much I try. All they see is how rough I am, never any of the good... only the bad. Will they later in life see how hard I tried or will they only remember the nagging and chores I ask them to do?! Parenting is truly so difficult. I love it and wouldn't change a thing in my life but I wish there was someone out there to tell you what to do in every difficult situation as a parent!
I know this is all so petty compared to the struggles I will deal with as they all get into high school ,but until then I would like to think this is as bad as it is going to get, LOL!

I think my patience is the key to this post. I need more patience and I know that. I pray for patience to deal with all things great and small everyday.

I just want everyone to know,including my babies... that as a mother, I really try! I try to make life for my children a life of happiness, filled with love, fun memories, respect, honesty and trust! I will fail sometimes, but as long as I know they will be right there to forgive me and help pick me up from the bottomless pit in which parents who are "rough" goes...I will be just fine!