It finally hit me

"God will never give you more than you can handle"

I have been thinking about this phrase all day! I am normally an upbeat kind of person. I try very hard to make it a point not to get upset or depressed over life's issues... that are unexpected! I used to be just the opposite, I used to get down over every little thing! I realized one day that me being depressed or upset is not going to change the outcome of the situation...so why waste a day being like that!

Well back to my post on 2010. My van was in the shop for almost a week with the whole battery issue. After a week of driving it again, J hit a rock or a HUGE piece of ice a week ago while driving my van home from work. It messed the van up immediately, we had to have it towed to an auto shop...yet again! Well today (another week later) I got the call I was waiting on, to see if it was fixable and how much... Of course it is NOT fixable. The rock or ice, whatever it was, put a hole in my engine and bent or wrecked the frame. This means we are down to one vehicle and that is just not something I am used to at all! J works every single day and some days are doubles! My kids have very busy schedules usually and I try to get out of the house a couple days a week. This puts a huge damper on my weekly routine :( I am now stuck to the house almost 24/7 since J works so much! It will be a huge adjustment for both the kids and I.

This is where IT finally hit me... the sadness, the depression, the tears, the everything! I just feel like it doesn't matter how much J works or how much we try and get ahead, it never works out! We keep falling in this hole and I feel so bad for J. He works too hard and too much for us to have fallen in this hole. The hole keeps getting darker and every time I see a speck of light something else happens and it is just so depressing. I tried, I actually tried very hard to stay positive after I got the phone call this morning, but no matter what I did or thought of, the feeling was still there. I hate being like this, it's not me anymore! I am a happy go lucky kind of person. I usually just say hey it's life and we will make it through this and anything else that is thrown at us... and we will! I know this is nothing life threatening and there are a ton of people way worse off than we are at this very moment and I should be grateful for having a vehicle at all, but I can't shake the sadness and I HATE it!

J and I are firm believers in Karma! We try and do everything with this in mind. We are good people and I just feel like we are being punished for something and I KNOW God does not punish at all, so did we mess with Karma in some way and this is what we get in return?! I just don't understand! Back to my phrase of the day "God will never give you more than you can handle", how much more will we have to bare before he steps in for us? I pray, pray and pray everyday for him to help us, to guide us in the right direction, for patience while we dig ourselves out of this, for love and support, to keep my spirits high no matter what, for trust and understanding in his plan. To be completely honest, I feel like he can't hear me or he is just ignoring me. I am maybe crazy in my thoughts, but maybe he is just waiting to see how we react to things or to see how we deal with things. I feel I have dealt very well with all of this up until today. How can I shake this feeling of being ignored by the one who doesn't ignore, the one who is always there, the one I can and should always trust?!

If you have made it this far, I am sorry for the rambling and whining! It has been a rough day with just me and my crazy thoughts and I needed to get these feelings out without boring family and friends on the phone! Life will get better in time and I know this, today is just a rough day!